Looks like this cancer is going to kill me after all. My job now is to make sure we have a long truce and postpone the inevitable amicably, for a long time to come. Easily said than done.
A week ago Sunday night I passed out and when I got to my senses, I found myself on the bathroom floor with my head popped up against the wall. I was alone. Scary stuff. It took a while to figure out what happened (I have never passed out before) and got to my phone. I called the ambulance and then spent the next week in hospital.
I guess every part of my body was listened to, prodded and scanned. It's a new hospital. They just opened the wards a few months ago and still have a few things to smooth out from the patients' point of view. Otherwise, I was happy to be there, as it coincided with the horrible storm that hit our region the day after I got to the hospital. Luckily, my apartment was safe and dry when I returned, but then a day later we got a hailstorm, which sounded really scary from inside.
I've been at home for two days now. I slept some 16 hours the first night and I am still pretty tired. I sent the hospital release notes to my son and he forwarded them to a medical friend. The news is not very good. I just have to deal with whatever comes next in this decline to the end, however long it takes.
Many moons ago, my mother thought she had cancer and told me that if she saw that she was coming to the end, she would take something. She made me promise not to stop her. It was the hardest promise I have ever had to make. I thought about that in the hospital. Would I take something? The answer is no, not from my present vantage point. Life is beautiful. I love the sunshine, I love my family and friends. Why hasten things? But then, my fractured rib has healed and I don't have any sharp pain.
Although I am very slow in my movements, I can deal with everything in its own time. I don't ever want to lose the mental clarity I have until the curtain goes down. Of course, that's what my Dad said. He was a doctor and looked on death as THE enemy he faced all his working life. He was determined to see him face to face and refused all morphine. I am told it was an epic battle. I wasn't allowed to see him, as I was only 12 years old.
Getting back to my situation. I have been very sluggish since I came home from the hospital. It takes an effort to get out of bed. Of course the weather doesn't help. It's been raining hard again and the temperature has gone down. Yesterday I succumbed and put the heater on for the first time. What a difference that makes. I feel like I am in a warm cocoon and never want to get out of it.
So, I have given myself up to the elements. My carer is coming today to clean and I am staying home. Tomorrow is another day. I'll be energetic tomorrow.
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