My big fat 70th birthday seems a long way away already. Granted I've done quite a lot, but there's been movement in the negative direction of my cancer and it makes me weary. Is this how it's going to be? How long? Do I have time to do all the things I want to do? Will I see my grandchildren grow up and have their own children? Existential questions that have no answers. I don't like that. I need to know how to plan things, even though I am pretty good now about being flexible with my time and energy.
OK, let's talk turkey. The Big C. I saw the professor on 23 July, a couple of weeks after seeing my GP for a bout of heavy vomiting, which pulled a muscle in my chest. Felt like I had hairline fracture of the ribs. It wasn't. And my regular blood tests were perfectly normal. I joked that I am healthy as a horse, the only thing wrong with me is metastatic breast cancer. We laughed. Cheery thought.
So, I went to see the Prof with some trepidation. My fears were somewhat confirmed. The cancer markers have risen, so I have to go back on Exemestane. Actually, he gave me a choice of either Exemestane or Tamoxifen. I recalled all the horrible side effects of the latter and chose the big E, knowing full well that it will make me a cripple, or at least cause great pain in the joints. Well, I was going to deal with that - with acupuncture.
I had been going to an acupuncturist for almost 15 years after a nasty ankle injury that would not settle. My guy is an amazing Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) doctor, who has sorted out most of my aches and pains and hormone imbalances over the years. When I go to him regularly, everything seems to be less extreme. Unfortunately, his fees have gone up over the years, so I haven't been to see him for over a year. Now, at the Chris O'Brien Lifehouse they are offering all sorts of allied services, including acupuncture – at half the price. Yes, I decided to try it out. The woman is very good, but the first two treatments were so deep (with electricity) that I was exhausted for two days after treatment. Last week I asked her not to use electric current. It was better, but still not as good as my old man. I am torn whether to go back to him or not. My private health insurance doesn't pay for acupuncture.
It's a funny thing about acupuncture. People think you have to 'believe in it' to think that it works. What utter nonsense. I don't 'believe in it'. It works for me. Chinese herbs don't, but acupuncture does. It works, because my man knows what he is doing. He is steeped in the tradition. Each time I see him, he takes my pulse and treats me according to what his examination of the moment requires to balance my metabolism. He is not a western trained medical doctor who has taken a 6 months course and thinks he is now ready to DO acupuncture. Not that the woman at Chris O'Brien is like that. She is not. But somehow I sense a difference and I can't put my finger on it and that bothers me. I have to reflect on that.
I feel like I am at the beginning of an unreal reality, if that makes any sense. I know I will never be the same as I was, but I can't figure out – yet – what I'll become. In other words, how to minimise the various side effect that may come my way, not lose hope and continue with the things I love to do – write and get involved in social justice issues. I feel very unreliable and fear that this may become a permanent feature of my life. How do you manage things within total uncertainty? That's another thing to ponder.
Well, now that I have completely depressed myself, I guess I will stop thinking and look at a picture of my son and his family who are in far away Florida and pray that I will make the visit this coming November. I've been planning a visit for the past two years, with no success. Maybe this will be the best birthday present from the Universe and I'll make it this time? I hope so.
