One step forward, one step back

It's been a very strange day. The last day of this particular two week chemo cycle, which was rougher than the last one. My eyes were a real worry. I noticed that my vision got worse just after I took the cyclophosphamide pills. It was hard to focus without the eye-patch for much of the day. So, I did a little research. I googled both the cyclophosphamide and the 5FU. I seemed to recall both had visual disturbance as a side effect.

What would we do without Google?

Well. we could turn to ask.com.

I guess there isn't much difference between them, because both came up with the same answer for 5FU - 11.5% people treated with it reported blurred vision.

Another study on cyclophosphamide found that after 1-6months of treatment 31.58% of people taking cyclophosphamide suffered some form of medium blurred vision, including those who were also treated with methotrexate.

OK, I am not going to go into the statistics, because that's my weakest subject, but the point is that, even with my limited knowledge it's plain to see that the blurring of my vision is the result of taking the chemotherapy drugs.

Naturally,there are other side effects as well. Today, I had a body-full of those too. About a half hour after taking the pills my body became very heavy and I simply could not keep my eyes open.  In the morning, I had plans for working on my assignment, but that was not to be. Not until the late afternoon, when the cyclophosphamide was supposed to have cleared for the day (4-5 hours, according some of the information I've read). Within a short time I was fast asleep and woke up around 2-3 hours later. Well, that's half the day gone, right there.

Then, my eyes wouldn't focus and my head was mush. I couldn't concentrate on anything. So, I gave in and played games on my iPad. What a waste of time. But hey, if my body wants to rest, why not put on the music and let the games begin!  Tomorrow is another day and I will not have to take those damn pills for two weeks! Halleluyah!

Searching for balance

It's been an interesting week: the second week of my first full chemo cycle. Perhaps my main concern has been to establish a routine. I need structure in my life, but I don't want it to become obsessive. This was the week I was trying to establish balance. Not sure it worked.

The stumbling block has been the fact that my reaction to the various poisons varies, so even if I expect to feel a certain way at a certain time of the day, it may never happen. Conversely, if I expect to be a vegetable for the whole day, that will never happen either. For example:

This morning I woke up after a very fitful night of incredibly vivid dreams about losing things or getting lost. (I know, must be some deep psychological meaning there...) After my morning shower my head was perfectly clear and I did my BrainHQ exercises to keep it that way. Following that, I did some Qigong exercises and finished by mapping out some stories I am planning to write. Then, it was time to take the cyclophosphamide pills. Another BC situation. (Remember, previously I said that in my new state BC means 'Before Cancer'? Well, here's another definition: BC = Before Cyclophosphamide.)

Within a few minutes I felt that my face became drawn and there was pressure on both sides of my head. The fog was descending. Or was it?  Actually it lifted fairly soon and only some four hours later did I finally hit the bed and fall asleep for a few hours, after which I felt wrung out for another few hours. It is now around 8pm two days after I began to write this blog entry and I am still not sure that I will be able to finish it. My mind keeps jumping onto other things.

In any case....

Getting back to the week and finding balance....

One of my great discoveries was the therapeutic effect of music to find balance. On Tuesday, the day of my IV chemo was long. I got a ride to the hospital and back by a volunteer driver, but for various reasons she picked me up almost two hours before my 10am appointment. I got home about 2pm. What to do when you are high on steroids and low on chemo poisons?

Physical activity is always helpful to settle a restless mind. But what if the body is tired? Do something mindless that is not physically demanding.  I decided to back up my CDs onto an external hard drive. OK, but then why not just listen to the CD and forget about everything else? That's exactly what I did when I came to copying my wonderful version of Mozart's Don Giovanni.  I settled on my couch and listened to the whole opera cover-to-cover, with Libretto in hand. I happen to have a special fondness for this Opera and listening to it brought back wonderful memories of my childhood in Budapest and teens in London. A perfect way to find balance!

Another day I went for a walk and later did some weeding in the garden. Now, that's really therapeutic.

So, overall, while I think I did and do a valiant effort, I don't think true balance is possible during chemotherapy. I am going to return to taking things one day at a time, not worrying about becoming obsessive, and, hoping against hope, that the 'fog' will lift this time at the end of the treatment and not shroud me for years as it did before.