It's been an interesting week: the second week of my first full chemo cycle. Perhaps my main concern has been to establish a routine. I need structure in my life, but I don't want it to become obsessive. This was the week I was trying to establish balance. Not sure it worked.
The stumbling block has been the fact that my reaction to the various poisons varies, so even if I expect to feel a certain way at a certain time of the day, it may never happen. Conversely, if I expect to be a vegetable for the whole day, that will never happen either. For example:
This morning I woke up after a very fitful night of incredibly vivid dreams about losing things or getting lost. (I know, must be some deep psychological meaning there...) After my morning shower my head was perfectly clear and I did my BrainHQ exercises to keep it that way. Following that, I did some Qigong exercises and finished by mapping out some stories I am planning to write. Then, it was time to take the cyclophosphamide pills. Another BC situation. (Remember, previously I said that in my new state BC means 'Before Cancer'? Well, here's another definition: BC = Before Cyclophosphamide.)
Within a few minutes I felt that my face became drawn and there was pressure on both sides of my head. The fog was descending. Or was it? Actually it lifted fairly soon and only some four hours later did I finally hit the bed and fall asleep for a few hours, after which I felt wrung out for another few hours. It is now around 8pm two days after I began to write this blog entry and I am still not sure that I will be able to finish it. My mind keeps jumping onto other things.
In any case....
Getting back to the week and finding balance....
One of my great discoveries was the therapeutic effect of music to find balance. On Tuesday, the day of my IV chemo was long. I got a ride to the hospital and back by a volunteer driver, but for various reasons she picked me up almost two hours before my 10am appointment. I got home about 2pm. What to do when you are high on steroids and low on chemo poisons?
Physical activity is always helpful to settle a restless mind. But what if the body is tired? Do something mindless that is not physically demanding. I decided to back up my CDs onto an external hard drive. OK, but then why not just listen to the CD and forget about everything else? That's exactly what I did when I came to copying my wonderful version of Mozart's Don Giovanni. I settled on my couch and listened to the whole opera cover-to-cover, with Libretto in hand. I happen to have a special fondness for this Opera and listening to it brought back wonderful memories of my childhood in Budapest and teens in London. A perfect way to find balance!
Another day I went for a walk and later did some weeding in the garden. Now, that's really therapeutic.
So, overall, while I think I did and do a valiant effort, I don't think true balance is possible during chemotherapy. I am going to return to taking things one day at a time, not worrying about becoming obsessive, and, hoping against hope, that the 'fog' will lift this time at the end of the treatment and not shroud me for years as it did before.
I definitely hear what you're saying about not knowing what to expect from taking daily pharmaceuticals. My poisons are different from yours, but the expectation of their physiological effects is just as confusing. Will I be really shaky now - or in an hour's time? Why does the indigestion/pain in my oesophagus start mid-afternoon one day, and mid morning another, when I take the meds at the same time each night? And the spinning thoughts at night from the steroid hit - don't get me started...
ReplyDeleteSo, yes, while it's really important to try to develop a routine and get some sense of control (however flimsy) over life, there are times like this when 'one day at a time' and 'listen to your body' just have to be our mantras.
Thank goodness for glorious uplifting music!