Thursdays have become full, navel gazing days. Sorry, I should say personal growth days. A day when I focus on both my mind and body to get well, or at least better, from past misadventures.
OK, so what's with the mind, you might ask. Just very briefly, I have had what some people call: an interesting, or eventful, or amazing life. Oh yeah? Well, if you can call losing a twin sister in war, escaping from a revolution, being raped, beaten, and who knows what else by spouses and others, etc, etc. Yes, I have had an interesting life. I don't talk about it normally, but the fact is that I have had many episodes that engendered post traumatic stress - the nightmares, the fears, the ruminations (that's what it's called, I am told, when your mind goes round and round with the old stuff). Yes, I've learned to cope and got on with life. Or did I? Since my brother died last December, some of the old ruminations have resurfaced and with the constant reporting of events in Syria and what's happening with the children there, some old scars from being a child refugee and stateless person for 16 years have also reopened.
One day, I just had enough.
'Isn't it enough that I have cancer, I now have to revisit all this crap too?' I cried into the emptiness of my apartment. I realised that, in order to deal with my metastatic breast cancer (official diagnosis now), I will have to lay the past to rest, or I won't cope. So, I took my own advice to my mother, whom I tried to get to see someone in the 1980s to deal with her Holocaust trauma, and referred myself to STARTTS, the NSW Service for the Treatment and Rehabilitation of Trauma and Torture Survivors. I am now going through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). It's kind of interesting in an intellectual way, but am not too keen on having to write down how I feel, what I think, etc. I mean how do I know? It passes and I forget. Maybe that's how I coped before, just putting it out of mind. How do you undo a lifetime of habits that worked, but apparently now don't work as well? A conundrum
So, now to the body part. I have my session with the psychologist at 10am and then at noon I go to the new and fantastic Chris O'Brien Lifehouse, where Michael, the exercise physio, puts me through my paces in cardio exercises to improve my strength and balance. It's much more pleasant than the psycho stuff, but since I hate the gym, it's still a challenge.
Tomorrow is Thursday, but it will be different. I will go for the CBT, but at noon I will be facing The Professor to learn how my cancer is doing. I am not looking forward to it. I haven't been feeling very well for the past couple of weeks. The pain in my joints is getting worse and now I also have pain in the chest area. I haven't gone to the emergency to check whether it's a heart attack, because I have so many aches and pains that I am pretty sure it isn't. How do I know? Well, of course I don't, but I've been doing chest muscle strengthening exercises, among the many others, so it stands to reason that they are probably screaming for me to let them be.
Nevertheless, I am a cautious madam and have a long list of grievances and questions I take with me to the Prof. I'll spare you the details for now, but will report in my next missive.
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PTSD. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Doing the Limbo dance
I just posted something I wrote earlier this year. Why now? Because I forgot to post it and things have been pretty hectic since then.
Yes, things have progressed pretty well so far this year.
First of all, I am back at my temping job on a regular basis, although I have still not managed a full six hour shift. I do phone interviewing for the NSW government's Population Health Survey. I've been doing it for 10 years now. It has very flexible hours and the people are great. It's an interesting mix of students, professionals between jobs or in the throws of career change, housewives with small children and grandmothers with various health issues like me. Originally I started to work here when I was working on my never-to-be-completed documentary, just to make sure that I have some income coming in while I spend all my money on research and development and writing a sci-fi screenplay. When the documentary fell through, and the screenplay got only a 2.5 star from a Hollywood reader, I continued 'until I re-establish' my freelance writing business. Well, the proverbial sh...t hit the fan with my first cancer encounter in 2006. I stopped working and the lovely people at NSW Health received me with open arms when I returned a year and a half later. Their support and the knowledge that I can go back any time, has been really helpful in not losing my link to the real world during all my travails. So, I am back. I try to work three 5 hour shifts a week, but I don't always make it, but every bit helps.
And while we are on the job front, I also have a freelance editing assignment, so I think I can safely say that I am back in the saddle as far as work is concerned.
On the health front, I am still madly doing my brain training exercises and I am happy to report that, according to Lumosity, I am in the 99th percentile in brain performance for my age group, so it seems that my brain is back from the chemo fog for good.
On the not too optimistic front, it seems that, while the cancer is improving - meaning that the abnormal level of the cancer marker in the blood is lower - it has not gone back to normal, and my understanding now is that the doctors are not expecting it to go back to normal. I got this not from the Professor, but his stand-in during my last visit, when the Prof was incommunicado due to a knee replacement. I am going to see him in two weeks, when I will double check. In any case, the current prognosis seems to be that the Exemestane is controlling the cancer for now. If it stops doing that, then I will have to have more chemotherapy. And this on and off chemo may be for the rest of my life, which can be anyone's guess how long. As I've said somewhere before, I am told that people live like this for decades. And can I get the abdominal port out please? No! Apparently that can stay in for more than a decade also, and while it was easy to put in, it may be tricky to take out. I'll have to check that one too. Having talked with the new oncologist, I am not sure whether they want me to keep it in because it's complicated to take out, or because they expect me to have more ascites down the line. Neither possibility is very comforting.
In fact, this whole bloody cancer 'journey' (I hate that expression - a journey is a joy, this is a nightmare) is not very comfortable. Unfortunately, it looks like it isn't going away, so a couple of months ago I decided to do some things differently to be able to cope. As a result, I enrolled myself to get help for my post traumatic stress disorder that I had acquired way back when, as a child refugee and other various places. The reason being that I want to clear my head from past garbage to be able to focus on dealing with the cancer in the future. Three weeks ago I started the evaluation process with STARTTS, so I am in the best hands for both my physical and mental health. It's a pretty cool feeling, I must say, and feel I can dance the limbo for as long as it takes (remind me I said this when I start complaining again!)
Yes, things have progressed pretty well so far this year.
First of all, I am back at my temping job on a regular basis, although I have still not managed a full six hour shift. I do phone interviewing for the NSW government's Population Health Survey. I've been doing it for 10 years now. It has very flexible hours and the people are great. It's an interesting mix of students, professionals between jobs or in the throws of career change, housewives with small children and grandmothers with various health issues like me. Originally I started to work here when I was working on my never-to-be-completed documentary, just to make sure that I have some income coming in while I spend all my money on research and development and writing a sci-fi screenplay. When the documentary fell through, and the screenplay got only a 2.5 star from a Hollywood reader, I continued 'until I re-establish' my freelance writing business. Well, the proverbial sh...t hit the fan with my first cancer encounter in 2006. I stopped working and the lovely people at NSW Health received me with open arms when I returned a year and a half later. Their support and the knowledge that I can go back any time, has been really helpful in not losing my link to the real world during all my travails. So, I am back. I try to work three 5 hour shifts a week, but I don't always make it, but every bit helps.
And while we are on the job front, I also have a freelance editing assignment, so I think I can safely say that I am back in the saddle as far as work is concerned.
On the health front, I am still madly doing my brain training exercises and I am happy to report that, according to Lumosity, I am in the 99th percentile in brain performance for my age group, so it seems that my brain is back from the chemo fog for good.
On the not too optimistic front, it seems that, while the cancer is improving - meaning that the abnormal level of the cancer marker in the blood is lower - it has not gone back to normal, and my understanding now is that the doctors are not expecting it to go back to normal. I got this not from the Professor, but his stand-in during my last visit, when the Prof was incommunicado due to a knee replacement. I am going to see him in two weeks, when I will double check. In any case, the current prognosis seems to be that the Exemestane is controlling the cancer for now. If it stops doing that, then I will have to have more chemotherapy. And this on and off chemo may be for the rest of my life, which can be anyone's guess how long. As I've said somewhere before, I am told that people live like this for decades. And can I get the abdominal port out please? No! Apparently that can stay in for more than a decade also, and while it was easy to put in, it may be tricky to take out. I'll have to check that one too. Having talked with the new oncologist, I am not sure whether they want me to keep it in because it's complicated to take out, or because they expect me to have more ascites down the line. Neither possibility is very comforting.
In fact, this whole bloody cancer 'journey' (I hate that expression - a journey is a joy, this is a nightmare) is not very comfortable. Unfortunately, it looks like it isn't going away, so a couple of months ago I decided to do some things differently to be able to cope. As a result, I enrolled myself to get help for my post traumatic stress disorder that I had acquired way back when, as a child refugee and other various places. The reason being that I want to clear my head from past garbage to be able to focus on dealing with the cancer in the future. Three weeks ago I started the evaluation process with STARTTS, so I am in the best hands for both my physical and mental health. It's a pretty cool feeling, I must say, and feel I can dance the limbo for as long as it takes (remind me I said this when I start complaining again!)
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