Setbacks and poo days

How much poo can a human body hold? A lot. That was my great discovery this past week. Exactly a week ago I started vomiting. After the fourth bout I called the Lifehouse and they told me to go to emergency. I am really blessed with friends and one took me almost immediately. Four hours later I was admitted to my very own private room.

The view itself was worth it, but nothing else. Pain, frustration, two days of vomiting and after five days I was declared 'cleansed' of poo and allowed to leave.

In the meantime, the Professor confessed that he is running out of affordable options to try to control my cancer. 'It's slow growing', he said, but my mind went wild. What if he can't find a pill I can afford? What if the slow growing becomes fast growing? What does it mean to have such a bloated belly? Will I ever get a waist again? Will I ever get to see my son and family in the US? Weep, weep, weep.

When I came back down to earth, the Prof explained that the vomiting is caused by a full gut. Despite the fact that I had been regular as clockwork, either because of the medication, or the cancer in the Omentum, the gut did not void properly. and when I put anything in my mouth, there was nowhere for it to go, but back up.  The lucky thing was that there was no blockage. Well, that sure is a blessing, because I know two women of a certain age, who have had blocked bowels this year and had to have life saving surgery. I really don't want to go under the knife again. So, what can I do about it? Take laxatives and wake up at night when they take effect. There goes a good night's sleep.

So, good bye Exemestane and Everolimus. I am now taking Megace. We shall see.

In the meantime, my much anticipated visit to the US on 22 November has been cancelled. I have to be stabilised before I can take such a long trip. I have to admit that it's a relief. I simply don't feel up to it. Physically, that is. Mentally, and emotionally I am crushed. Nobody makes tea like my son when I am sick. Nobody gives hugs like my family. I miss them all.

Mind/Body days

Thursdays have become full, navel gazing days. Sorry, I should say personal growth days. A day when I focus on both my mind and body to get well, or at least better, from past misadventures.

OK, so what's with the mind, you might ask. Just very briefly, I have had what some people call: an interesting, or eventful, or amazing life. Oh yeah?  Well, if you can call losing a twin sister in war, escaping from a revolution, being raped, beaten, and who knows what else by spouses and others, etc, etc. Yes, I have had an interesting life. I don't talk about it normally, but the fact is that I have had many episodes that engendered post traumatic stress - the nightmares, the fears, the ruminations (that's what it's called, I am told, when your mind goes round and round with the old stuff). Yes, I've learned to cope and got on with life. Or did I? Since my brother died last December, some of the old ruminations have resurfaced and with the constant reporting of events in Syria and what's happening with the children there, some old scars from being a child refugee and stateless person for 16 years have also reopened.

One day, I just had enough.

'Isn't it enough that I have cancer, I now have to revisit all this crap too?' I cried into the emptiness of my apartment. I realised that, in order to deal with my metastatic breast cancer (official diagnosis now), I will have to lay the past to rest, or I won't cope. So, I took my own advice to my mother, whom I tried to get to see someone in the 1980s to deal with her Holocaust trauma, and referred myself to STARTTS, the NSW Service for the Treatment and Rehabilitation of Trauma and Torture Survivors. I am now going through Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). It's kind of interesting in an intellectual way, but am not too keen on having to write down how I feel, what I think, etc. I mean how do I know? It passes and I forget. Maybe that's how I coped before, just putting it out of mind. How do you undo a lifetime of habits that worked, but apparently now don't work as well? A conundrum

So, now to the body part. I have my session with the psychologist at 10am and then at noon I go to the new and fantastic Chris O'Brien Lifehouse, where Michael, the exercise physio, puts me through my paces in cardio exercises to improve my strength and balance. It's much more pleasant than the psycho stuff, but since I hate the gym, it's still a challenge.

Tomorrow is Thursday, but it will be different. I will go for the CBT, but at noon I will be facing The Professor to learn how my cancer is doing. I am not looking forward to it. I haven't been feeling very well for the past couple of weeks. The pain in my joints is getting worse and now I also have pain in the chest area.  I haven't gone to the emergency to check whether it's a heart attack, because I have so many aches and pains that I am pretty sure it isn't. How do I know? Well, of course I don't, but I've been doing chest muscle strengthening exercises, among the many others, so it stands to reason that they are probably screaming for me to let them be.

Nevertheless, I am a cautious madam and have a long list of grievances and questions I take with me to the Prof.  I'll spare you the details for now, but will report in my next missive.