It's been over a month that I saw the Professor and heard the good news that my blood test was normal. At the time I complained that the 'port' irritated my gut and I was in pain after exercise. The Professor duly checked me out and said: 'that's not ascitis, that's fat'. And that was that. Since then, every time I did a heavy workout at the gym I had horrendous gut pains for 3-4 days. I would rest for a week and go back for more when the pain had gone.
Well, the same thing happened last week and I had had it. 'I am feeling like Sisyphus' - I complained to a friend. Every time I come up for air, feel healthy and back at work, back at doing exercise, back into life, my gut gets sore and I have to cancel my engagements and rest. I need a break from being sick. I want to live, not just exist.
Well, of course the reality is that I am slowly getting back into my stride, but I am impatient. I have always done too much and expected to be able to go on like that until I dropped dead at some ripe old age - certainly older than my parents. Well, I've outlived my Dad, but am rapidly approaching the age when my mother died 27 years ago. The truth is that both my parents died dramatically, very suddenly. My Dad of a heart attack went after three days and my Mom within an hour of having a massive stroke. My brother has been unhealthy for years, suffering from various chronic diseases, and died last December five days shy of his 80th birthday. Since we live 10,000 miles apart, he in Miami, me in Sydney, I wasn't there to watch his decline.
I guess this is a long way of saying that I am not used to watching people deteriorate with age and chronic illness and I find it hard that I am the first with whom I am up close and personal. It's not a good feeling, despite the fact that intellectually I have accepted the probability that my life may be a series of periods of wellness and decrepitude in the future. My brain may accept it, but my spirit does not. I hate the situation and I am trying to get the discipline that is needed to change things. Things like my diet.
While I've been screaming bloody murder about having fluid 'in there' and the 'port' bothering me, I have also turned to comfort food that is probably not helping things. Food I hardly ever eat, like chocolate, unsalted potato crisps and corn chips.
There! I've confessed. Maybe it's my diet that needs changing and not the 'port'. Maybe I need to be mindful of what my friends tell me about diet and exercise. Maybe I should go back to my healthy eating habits and just go swimming and forget about weight training that I absolutely hate. Maybe....
In the meantime, the good news is that I have been back at my temping job for the past 3 weeks (this is the fourth) and I started to make some money. I did finish a big editing freelance job and I am half way through a short play about the Swami Vivekananda (deadline: 1 March). And, I have started to reenter my volunteer world with Amnesty International and the Sydney Alliance.
Like I said, I do overextend myself, but I also take care how much I do. And I am truly thankful to the people around me who help me do that. For example, this Sunday my Amnesty group had a fabulous program with Asylum seekers (a big topic here in Australia), and I was supposed to be one of two people who officially did the photography. Well, I lasted two hours (and about half of them on the web-link are mine), when one of the young girls noticed that I looked very tired. As soon as she asked me if I wanted her to take my camera and continue taking pictures, I realised just how exhausted I was. And two women kindly walked me to my car, as I needed my walking stick that I haven't used for weeks, to get up the steep hill. It's moments like that when you realise you can still contribute, but you have to know your limits and get out when you need to, so you don't disturb others at whatever function you are at.
This is one of the biggest lessons I still have to learn. Appreciate what you CAN do and don't fret over what you can't. Life still has meaning and value. So easy to tell that to others......
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