The days pass. Every day I feel a little stronger physically and make promises to myself that 'tomorrow I will structure my days to get back to 'normal'. It never seems to happen.
What is normal? I have forgotten. What does it feel like to have unending, inexhaustible energy? In my memory bank I remember I used to have that, and I was always very conscious and grateful for it, because it allowed me to get everything done. I never understood the source of all that strength and energy. Well, it's all gone now. Time and the days just pass, whether I structure it or not.
Similar to the Gregorian calendar we mark time by, my memory bank is partitioned into two historic periods: BC and AC. In my case, these refer to Before Cancer and After Cancer: before 2006 and after 2006. And as I write this, the tears come. I mourn my healthy self. Is that depression? I don't think so.
I've always been a weeper. It's just that the tears come more easily now. I can't cope with stress and negative emotions. My body tells me it has enough to deal with, negative emotions are the enemy of recovery. The tears come to wash away all negativity and, like sunshine after the rain, my mood lifts and my energy returns. Now, for that walk. I'll try and make it 30 minutes today. The afternoon autumn sunshine outside beckons.
ps. Yes, I made it. Walked 30 minutes, just over a kilometre round trip. Yay! Leisurely stop at my local cafe on the way back. Feel like a champ.
Bless that waitress @ Urban Bites! that was sweet of her! Good to hear you an walk a bit. 25 mins is quite an achievement.
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